| Last weekend was my b-day. Had a great night Friday & didn't have to pay for 1 drink, thanks to Carrie & one of the off-duty bartenders who made me 2 drinks on the house. Combined with some wine & Reggie before/after my night out, made for a good time, & thankfully no hangover. Then Sunday I went to El Matador's with m y mom/stepdad, & the waiter hooked it up: a strong jumbo margarita, shot of Patron, & a brownie sundae---again, all free. All in all, a good birthday weekend.
This week we started Mod 3 training at work....sucks my ass! The biggest frustration for me is that our system of reference for each & every claim we do, is not always concise, & with this new Mod, the claims require more research. So we question a lot because we aren't familiar with the new edits, & then that leads to our trainer also doing the same because Allpro isn't exact when it should be. Then all of us are bringing up different things all at once when we're doing the claims, so that leads to some confusion. Add some PMS to it, & I am very much looking forward to going out tomorrow night. At least working out helps alleviate some of the stress. Especially today, I told our spinning instructor we needed a hard work-out & she gave us one. (She always does anyhow.)
I hope this weekend will be eventful & I don't end up sitting at home bored! | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I've been thinking about it before, and talking to Chuck tonight just helped confirm things. I've become friends with someone at work since the promotion pretty much, & I know a lot about her life, but not so much the other way around. I want to say first off that she has potential to be a great person (as we all do), but she (chooses) is weak instead. So this is a source of much disagreeance & conflict within myself, when I have to listen to her about her all-around abusive relationship or thing she should/could change in general. For instance, her boyfriend & her have trust issues and with good reason on both parts, really...no one is innocent here. Her man tells her he doesn't like her going out with me b/c I attract attention from men. So he uses things like that to control her, & keep her at home. Anyway, I sit here, frustrated w/ all the drama, and how I got involved in it. I was just trying to be cool at work, and make a new friend. This is way too much drama for me though, & it's not like I could trust her enough to call her a true friend. I've been distancing myself from her, not asking about the relationship, etc., & that's worked out well. We did go out last weekend, & I really wanted to since I hadn't been for a while. I'm talking to Chuck, he says I need to not be friends with her b/c it's nothing but trouble. He's right, but it's not so easy I guess, although it has been before, til about a week ago. One thing he said was, it's you thinking you need something that you don't, & that stuck with me. I told him it would be much different if we had a lot in common, but we don't. I need to be with people that share similar interests: that are strong & determined individuals, not so afraid or paranoid or sensitive. Again, she could be all those things, but she chooses not to. And she knows all these things about herself she should work on too, that's what kills me! That's half the battle, identifying the problems! I know we all have our weaknesses, & I'm sure not perfect. I could accept the drama if it were on a limited basis...God knows I create some of my own although I try to avoid it.
So yeah, I'm gonna work some more on this--the distancing. Oh yeah, when I got to work this morning, Deb asked me what happened with the boss, because I asked her if my first email response to her was appropriate (I didn't want to sound combatitive). Deb told me she asked Carrie if she also got "talked to" and she said she hadn't. When I asked Carrie if she got talked to, I had to clarify what I meant because she didn't know??? I don't think she would've told on me to our boss for talking, seeing as she was also conversing with me. It's not cool that I'm singled out though, because it's not like I was standing at her desk, talking to myself. And then at lunch when I said that, she was either fucking with me or copped an attitude...to which I responded that she was also talking! RRRGGGhhh. Ok, enough of the work stress. I refuse to let it get to me.
Just work slower, shut my trap & watch my back, that's all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Ok, I am lazy about doing dishes loading the dishwasher. Yeah, I know. So, in between washings, I sometimes keep the dirty dishes in the oven. Tonight I decided to cook my own dinner, so I had to pull out the dishes, & let it preheat while I took a shower. I go in to the kitchen to get my fish/chips ready & smell something nasty. Open up the oven, & there are 2 knives in there, 1 with a wood handle, the other with a plastic handle, the former melted into a nice glob.
So now I will be off to purchase my dinner! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| One of the things I am grateful for is a relatively stress-free job. Rarely do I come home upset or stressed out from it, like I've experienced with past jobs. Today, though...I realize I may be making more out of this than necessary, or taking it too personally or something, but I still feel like it's a bunch of crap. An email my boss sent to me today, but first some background. I was up talking to Carrie, & for longer than necessary, this I know. One of our OS's (Amy) came by to sit with me to answer my claim questions. I had to shit, so I told her I had to go to the bathroom first (and I was planning on it anyway if Carrie would've stopped talking), and she said she'd wait at my desk for me. I wasn't trying to tell her I had to take a crap, so I did my thing...there was no way to avoid it, & unfortunately it probably took me 10 mins. When I round the corner near my cubicle, I see her go to our boss' office so she didn't see me, & I just knew she was going to tell her about me not working. (Hey, at least my intuition was right!) So then I wait for her a few mins., she comes back, we go through my questions. Little later I check my email & the boss has sent me one re: my lack of work.
Oh, and let me share the discussions had about me talking & the production quota. She had to reprimand me (just verbally) for talking once, had this report of all the claims I did & their times, & showed it to me. I don't recall exactly when this was, a few months or so ago? Maybe longer? Anyway, I was talking a lot, but I'm almost always averaging 100% on production or a little better, and all we're expected to meet is 85%. The more we do, the higher raise we get, although I don't think it's effective unless we do <100%, like 108 or so. She explained this to me when she sat with us for our end of training period...ok, that was up at the end of June, so the talk was before that. She told all us new people that although our quota is only 85%, they have been looking into raising that in our dept., because so many people reach 100 or better. She explained how the average for the dept. works (duh), and how I could get a better raise if I do more.
Ok, so me being me, I'm not trying to do more so they can increase the quota for us all. I'm already doing 15% more than what's expected of me, & I like having some free time to do whatever. Most of the time that is spent using/looking at our Wellness website, or emailing people here & there, or back & forth but not so much it consumes much time to type each response. I know if I were to work the whole stinking day long my wrists would hurt & probably my eyes. I don't like the idea they want us to do more even though we aren't required to at this time. Honestly, I've wondered if she told all us new people they'd increase it because we're new, & thought she could fool us like that. Because if we all did more, it would be very easy to increase the numbers. But if we all do the minimum, it makes the dept. average smaller. I don't like that I can't take some time here & there to get a little break. As long as I'm meeting (=exceeding) what I should do, why trip? And, I've asked if there was anything else I could be taught to fill in that time, because I am bored, which she recognized & brought up. I know it's not personal, because someone else in our dept. told me he's been told he's not a team player because he never works OT (which is rarely given), and he's consistently above 100% too. It's like, he's already doing extra but it's just not enough. This is where I feel like I'm just a drone... and I'm not one to need to feel like I'm special at work, but at least recognize I'm doing more & respect me for that.
The email:
Sent: Wed 9/13/2006 3:24 PM
Subject: RE: Workflow
We talked about this before. Just because you are making your quota doesn't mean that you shouldn't continue to process. Remember Pay for Performance?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 3:17 PM
I was wondering if the time between claims was between ones processed vs. those that pend. That's such a long time in between claims, and I'm surprised because I know I've been processing at 100% or better of the production quota today.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Wed 9/13/2006 3:14 PM
You worked a claim at 1:08 and the next claim showing being worked was 2:10? What do you mean running behind?
----------------------------------------------------------------------Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 3:02 PM
I know that around 2 or so I went to the restroom. I don't understand why there'd be that much time in between claims either, and I'm not running behind today. Is that total time in between claims opened or finalized?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Wed 9/13/2006 2:17 PM
I was reviewing workflow and I see that there is a large gap of time between processed claims.
1:08
2:10
That is over an hour?? Please advise. Jan
********************************************
Now, I was slightly pissed but I tried to think it through before I replied. A whole hour?! I am 95% sure it wasn't that long. I'd guess about a half hour---still a lot. I don't know if she didn't answer my question about processed/pended claims because she didn't know or I am right about that report, & she didn't want to admit it. I wish I had access to all the claims I do & what times they were done. And if it truly was an hour, why didn't she offer to show me the report? She didn't hesitate to do that last time.
So now I have to respond tomorrow, and I'm really thinking of just ignoring the whole "Pay for performance" part. I have considered before doing enough to get that, but decided not to. And a thing I just realized: since I'm still going through training, that would be very hard to meet that level of production---the average for the year, because for 3 mos after a training mod, we have limited expectations of our production. The 1st month is something like 50%, and it increases to 85% for the 3rd month. Now I don't know that after the 2nd round of training this still applies, but if so, & naturally it would take longer to work the claims we just learned, that will bring down my yearly production average. Unless they don't figure in those months of training probation into the rest.
Actually, I think that's true. Ok, still. I'm not trying to be one of their machines & work every minute of the day. Does that make me a slacker?
It's odd that I used to be so quiet at work, and now look at me. But that doesn't surprise me as much when I think about how I can go from one end of the spectrum to another (Libra quality?). I suppose now I just need to learn to work slower & talk less (I actually have been good at that lately). | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I was listening to this special on NPR about Bridgeport, CT, & how despite the rest of the state, its population is poverty-stricken. One of the things they discussed about how some businesses were providing jobs, internships, & scholarships for some of these kids. It got me to thinking about what I can do. It really gets to me that not everyone in this country has the same access to resources, like education or a job. I know I have a purpose to being born & brought into this world, but I've never known exactly what that could be. I have only been able to guess on some ways. Specifically, I think I'd like to do something involving something like AIDS or poverty. Race & culture could be something else too.
I've been thinking of how I like to teach others, but have never wanted to be a school teacher because of its stresses & getting a degree & all that fun stuff...it's just not for me, even though I know for sure I could do it if I really wanted to. Anyway, how that will all play out in my purpose & the areas I'd like to change, I'm not sure of just yet. I just wanted to express this while it was on my mind, & while I'm really excited about it. I'm sure I'll write more as I reflect on it longer. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| After scrolling through my previous entries I realized I never documented what I'm actually doing now. I started it 8/15-16. Still a 4-day split of upper/lower. And I don't know if I said it before, but I'm currently lifting enough weight I almost fatigue at the last rep in the 1st set, and then increase weight the last set so I can only do 5-10 reps.
UPPER:
Bench press---40,50
Upright row---30,30 or 40
Asstd pull-ups (wide grip)---130,120
Asstd dips---130,120
LOWER:
Squats---30, 40, 40
SLDL's---40,50
Thigh abduction (black machine so different weight)---88,99
Side bends---20,25
Crunches on ball
Bicycle crunches
Reverse crunches
I really like that last set, because it's a great challenge. I'd rather do less than 10 on that last set w/ more weight than 10 reps with less #s. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm kind of in that mood to vent. I've been working on not voicing my opinions (whether such or fact), because people ain't trying to hear it. Most times this involves what's healthy. They dispute what I'm saying like I have no idea. Because over the last year & a half I haven't done shit to learn what's healhty in terms of fitness & food. Because I don't know a thing about losing a significant amount of weight & what it takes to do so. Because I aim to be healthy w/o having done any research into what I'm doing & what will work. But then I realized, it's not that these people disbelieve me to the point I should take it personal. It's because they too know what is best, and since that road isn't easy nor a quick fix, they dismiss me. Anyhow, I've adapted to this & get less frustrated. But now I'm hearing garbage: protein shakes instead of meals (or a natural source of protein), excuses for not working out yet complaining about health problems that could be eased/eliminated by losing weight, or how eating one meal a day is ok, because otherwise you're not hungry. It's bullshit people! You know the truth, and it's pretty much common sense. I'm ready to tell people not to share anything unhealthy with me.
The other thing is in a month, I'll be back in training again at work. So, seeing as some of these people will be with me there, I really have to focus on letting it go. Last time we had training, they'd get so upset over the challenge fo learning something new, & complained a lot. I need to shield this negative energy or try to combat it with something positive perhaps. I'm looking forward to the class to learn something new & also for a change in work. No one feels me on this though. I remember too that I ate pretty crappy while I was in training, so that will also be a challenge.
On a lighter note, I'm thinking about my caloric intake. I've been aiming to eat 2000/cals Mon-Fri, and then whatever on the weekends, which usually ends up being 2500. I haven't really lost weight, which is ok since I think I'm still losing fat, but very slowly. So now I don't know if I should be as concerned about hitting 2000 during the week if it's still maintenance (why am I blanking on how to spell that word????)...but I think I'm leaning more towards not being so strict on it all days of the week. However, I am feeling that need to eat cleaner again, because I have been eating junk food on the weekdays for snacks, whereas before I'd do triscuits, nuts or fruit. And if I go the healthier route, I will naturally be eating less calories. I guess I'll just have to wait & see. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm just sitting here, waiting for Carrie to call me to meet her at the bar. Hopefully she doesn't bail out on me, like she has been. I just feel the need to get on outta here & do a lil something. So an update feels necessary.
I fucked something up in my quads Wednesday. I started doing squats, starting out with 30 lbs. since I didn't know how much to start with, and then did the 2nd set at 40, the last at 50. Right after, I felt this tightness in my quads, & had to stretch them right away. I never lifted to the point of exhaustion, so it seems odd. I guess looking back though, I used too much weight. Everything else was pretty much cool afterwards & I finished the rest of my weight & cardio workout. Next day, extreme muscle soreness. Not to the point it feels like I pulled a muscle or whatever the exact terminology would be, but still more tenderness than I've ever had. When I get that tenderness I just try to stretch more, & continue with my workouts, & all gets better soon. I did the spinning Thursday because of what I'm used to doing. Friday though, more tenderness to the point I couldn't walk normally. I couldn't take the same length strides I take nor walk as fast. I decided to skip my workout for the day, since it is abnormal. Today I feel much better, and it's more concentrated in my left quad, but still a little tight feeling with the soreness. At least I can walk much better & don't dread everytime I have to sit down. I'm sure come Monday I will be ok. All in all, I think I tore the muscle more than should be when lifting weights, because when I'd touch my thigh, it would hurt. I had some soreness in the other muscles of my leg, but not and never before to the point touching it lightly hurt.
So that's my story, I've been babying my leg, and my mom gave me some Percaset, which probably explains my lengthy sentences. My eyes feel lazy, like I've been staring at a computer all day. I think I'm gonna go to the store to get some margarita mix, dammit. I have a feeling I'm getting ditched again. Oh well, least the medicine helps. Damn that makes me feel like a junkie or something, ha. I want some popcorn now too. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I've learned much from this process of losing weight & getting healthy, over the past year and a half. I've come to embrace challenges when it comes to my health/fitness, and plan accordingly when things get too easy. So much of this process has become second nature now.I'm starting to see that the same principles I've used to better myself physically can be used to better myself emotionally, mentally, & spiritually. I feel like I've been enlightened to write about this.
Moderation is important. I have moments where my willpower is low, and I've learned it's best not to overindulge. I can partially indulge, but not go all out. I know that when I do go overboard, my body ends up feeling like crap afterwards, & I see that it wasn't really worth it in the end.
I also had to learn to stop rationalizing. There were times I rationalized that eating junk food was ok. Eventually though, it got to be often enough that it was harmful. The other thing I'd do was make excuses. I'd make the excuse that I was too busy, or that I didn't want to feel overwhelmed with doing so much at a time. Now, I can't imagine not working out, because I feel a lack of energy when I don't do it, & it makes me feel more balanced. When it came down to it, it was simply me being lazy. It was much easier to take the effortless route than one that would require work.
I had to change my way of thinking. I had to change the "I want to, I hope, if I..." to "I will." I had to reprogram myself with these positive affirmations. Of course it was hard at first, but the more I did it, the more I started to believe it.
I couldn't beat myself up either about how I let myself go. It was only going to set me back further to dwell on my mistakes. Instead, I had to look at those mistakes as just that, & look back on them only to know how to improve myself.
I knew that in order for me to achieve what I wanted, I had to work at it. I knew it would take some time. And at first, it was complicated and not without struggle. As time passed, and I started seeing results, the changes got easier. It took a lot of dedication and effort. In order for me to see the changes, I have to want to change, & believe I can.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| OK, so tomorrow Pharrell's new CD will be out. I'm debating if I wanna buy it. NERD's "In Search Of" is one of my all-time favorite CD"s, which I am so glad I decided to buy from Media Play when they went out of business. It was like $3, and not knowing exactly how it'd be, but knowing the Neptunes' sound, I figured it was worth it. Way worth it. Anyway, his song "Number 1" is ok, but it kinda sounds a little too poppy for me. Perhaps if there's a really good price on it I'll get it. I don't really buy new music anymore, most of it comes from the library. A lot less risk that way, but I think some of that unknown-ness is part of the thrill of a new CD.
I had a good weekend. Friday night I got dissed by Carrie though, because she's keeping herself in this controlling relationship. She calls me to say she'd like to go out still if I do, so I got ready. I was holding off to get ready til she called, just in case. Half hour later calls to tell me her BF is there, begging her not to go out since he's not, and that she can sneak out later, what do I think she should do. WTF! I said, I think if you want to go out, you should be able to do so w/o having to sneak out. Anyway, Saturday we went out instead. Before that, was my godson's birthday party. And then I stayed over there to hang out w/ Jamie & Tina, & played beer pong for the first time. Of course, not with beer for me, but ha, margatitas. But, I do make em strong, & tequila makes me feel silly & great. It was a nice way to go to the bar anyhow, with a buzz already. I got to play some pool, & started out ok, but ended badly. I think it's the alcohol. I didn't feel drunk or anything when I came home, or even was at home, but waking up yesterday morning I felt a little drunk still. And had a ssemi-hangover later on that morning.
Passing the time til I go to the gym to Spin. I don't regret adding that class on Monday at all. It helps me feel so much better after a weekend of eating crap. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| During my upper split today I figured out a way to change things up rigt away, before trying the new routine I concocted. for my 2nd set, I will increase the weight & push out as many as possible, even if not 10. As long as it's close to 10, it will make a difference. I tried it, & man I was about to grunt on my last (asstd) chin-up. Good stuff though. So this is the update:
UPPER:
Bench Press 40/50
Shoulder Press 20/30
Asstd Chin-ups 130/120
Asstd Dips 130/120
Lat Machine Row 40/50
LOWER:
Leg Press 100/110/120 (will try for 130 but recently increased #s)
Leg Extension 33/44
Seated Leg Curl 55/66 (will try for 77 but recently increased #s)
Leg Abduction 60/70 (will try 80 but recently increased #s)
SLDLs 40/50
Abs (may try something new for the obliques to isolate more, which should lead to doing more reps with the other ab exercises) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I knew there was something I felt necessary to explore. Now, I do feel quite a bit more adjusted since I had a decent Spinning workout, but still. For some great reason the PMS has started sooner than should. Instead of going along with how miserable it can be like most women, I want to embrace it. I have to say that I wouldn't take that Seasonale pill to only have a period 4 times a year...it seems unnatural. (Plus, they haven't done enough testing on it yet, which surprises me that the FDA approved it...yet the morning after pill took so long, but I digress.) It is a time of cleansing, both physically & emotionally. I always know it's soon to be that time when I get irritable & my tolerance is much lower. Usually this is indicative when I snap while driving. (I think overall I've gotten better at my road whatever--not as severe as road rage--since the accident.) Anyway, I have issues with self-control. I want to eat whatever without regard to my calories, and this is when I crave sweet stuff. And lately I've noticed I feel less control when it comes to wanting something outside of my relationship. I feel much more susceptible to wandering. I have less tolerance for bullshit & dumbasses, and have no problem vocalizing it, where normally I'd try to have some consideration.
I have come a long way as far as being emotional & not being in control of the emotions, as well as thinking rationally. The last part has become a challenge recently though. So, half the battle is recognizing what's going on. Plus I believe I should be focusing on introspection more than any other time of the month. Expressing such things really helps. It's a part of life that has a purpose. Even if I do look forward to when it happens & I get the feeling of being calm, peaceful Angie again. Oh yeah, I've noticed I'm more intuitive at this time too. I guess it makes sense if I'm already more sensitive to begin with. Intuition is another area to take advantage of rigt now & work on. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I have no clue why. In half an hour I have to leave for my new Spinning class. I'm glad I added it to my routine. I've found myself feeling so bored lately, and wanting some change. I feel like I need a new hobby, but for what I'd like to do it would involve money. I need something to stimulate my mind. OK, so the extra workout won't do that, but it will be a challenge, even if a physical one, so I look forward to that. Maybe I'll take out the sewing machine & try to make something. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I will be adding a 3rd Spinning class to my routine today. 10 weeks ago (beginning of May) I went from 1 class to 2 per week. I have lost about 5 lbs since then, & that's also when I started changing my calorie intake. I have fallen off the wagon a bit on that one, which I am back on pretty much starting now. : ) At least I should limit the extra calories to the weekends & not weekdays. Plus that's a good deal of calories burned with that extra day, so even if I eat like I have been the last few weeks, it will help out a lot.
I don't know that there's been too much of a difference in fat yet, but I have noticed my calves are looking leaner, & my stomach seems to be less poofy, but that could all be perception. I'm probably due for a measurement in a few weeks, so that will help me judge. I rarely get any discomfort in my left hip flexor now, and if so, it's very mild. I am hesitant to run still, so when I need a change from my new routine, I may start that. Another added benefit of waiting will be my VO2 capacity...I should be much better at keeping up with this additional Spinning class. I noticed that before when I tried to run intervals, it was much easier.
I'm excited to start a new challenge, and excited to see some more results. Plus, I've found that at first the Mondays off were nice to get shit done, but lately I have been feeling quite bored & even sleepy when I get home on Monday. I was debating changes to my weight routine now too, but I'm afraid it can be too much of a change all at once, so perhaps in a month or 2. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Current exercises & muscles used:
-Leg press (Glutes, hams, quads...position feet for more focus on
glutes)
-Leg extension (Quads)
-Leg curls (seated) (Hams)
-Hip abduction (Outer thighs)
-SLDLs (Hams, lower back)
-Abs
-Bench press (Pecs)
-Shoulder press (Front delts, side delts)
-Lat machine rows (Rear delts, back)
-Assisted chin-ups (Lats, delts, biceps)
-Assisted dips (Triceps, pecs)
Proposed:
-Squats (Quads, hams, glutes)
-Lunges? (Quads, hams, glutes)
-SLDLs (Hams, lower back)
-Standing hip abduction (Outer thigs)
-Abs
-Shoulder press (Front delts, side delts)
-Lying rear lateral raise (Rear delts)
-Assisted pull-ups (Lats)
-Incline bench press or Flyes (Pecs)
-Bicep curls (Biceps)
-Lying tricep extension (Triceps)
Not changing yet, just a proposal. I have switched up some of these exercises in the past, & as always, increase the weight once it gets easy. I'll probably change in a month or 2. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It is very easy and very dangerous to get caught in expectations that might be called "spiritual materialism," such as wanting to have special experiences, to receive a sign that guarantees you are on the right path, or to enter altered states of mind. You may expect to be rewarded in life because you are a good person. You may secretly desire recognition for your good works or for being a dedicated student. You may feel it is unfair that you should suffer from a lack of material comforts when you have been so faithful. You may desire certain powers of mind to control outcomes, to manifest your will, or you may feel that God owes you for being faithful. These are all examples of the delusion that can be created by expectations, and they can tyrannize your life.
All of us have to be alert to these expectations sneaking into our minds. When you discover one, the proper response is not to judge yourself but rather to laugh at yourself with compassion. The Buddha himself was repeatedly visited by a deity he called Mara, who would tempt him with such expectations. His only response was to say, "I see you, Mara," and it is said that Mara would eventually slink away in defeat.
To truly be in the moment, to not be defined by expectation, requires mindful clarity; a heart conditioned by love, compassion, and empathetic joy for others; and equanimity that allows you to receive life however it unfolds. This may seem like an inconceivable challenge, but it can be your goal, your beacon through the fog of your life. Most important, it can inspire and orient you in how to live in the moment. You simply lay aside your expectations as best as you are able.
You may be surprised when you discover how much choice you have in letting go of expectations. As you have seen, there is nothing to be gained from a mind filled with expectation. But there is much to be gained by living out of your values with real effort and discipline. When you do this, you are showing up for what you value and discovering a sense of joy and ease that is independent of the conditions in your life. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I feel the relief as if I've had an epiphany. Truly, though, I have. I feel like I'm back to myself. I was in this haze of...something, that I allowed to cloud my judgment & sense of what was right/wrong for me. The conflict is over, & I am 100% better. I see that what I wanted would have only been a quick fix for my loneliness. Now I can say I'm glad Friday night didn't pan out like I hoped. It crushed me, but it made me start reconsidering my priorities. I knew the truth all along, but I denied it. I didn't want to face rational, sensible thought. I allowed myself to be tormented, & even though it took its toll on me mentally & physically, I must've liked it in some way... because I let it go on. Keeping my focus on the larger picture, like I've done for so long yet strayed from, I wish I would've paid attention to. But, it's for the most part ok now, & will be. I have complete faith in that.
I have to write the lyrics to this song from the Chili's new album. When I listened to it the 1st time, I wanted to cry. I wasn't sure why, & at the time it didn't make sense to me, nor apply. Now, it does, in obvious & abstract ways, and is so appropriate.
"Wet Sand"
My shadow side so amplified
Keeps coming back disqualified
Elementary son but it's so...
My love affair with everywhere
Was innocent why do you care
Someone start the car
Time to go...you're the best I know
My sunny side has up & died
I'm betting that when we collide
The universe will shift into a low
The travesties that we have seen
Are treating me like Benzedrine
Automatic laughter from a pro
My what a good day
For a walk outside
I'd like to get to know
You a little better baby
God knows that I really tried
My what a good day
For a take out bride
I'd like to say we
Did it for the better of
I saw you there so unaware
Those hummingbirds all in your hair
Elementary son but it's so
The disrepair of Norma Jean
Could not compare to your routine
Balarama beauty
Going toe to toe
My what a good day
Just to let it slide
I'd like to say we did it for the better of
I thought about it
And I brought it out
I'm motivated by the lack of doubt
I'm consecrated but I'm not devout
The mother the father the daughter
Right on the verge just one more dose
I'm traveling from coast to coast
My theory isn't perfect but it's close
I'm almost there why should I care
My heart is hurting when I share
Someone open up and
Let it show
My what a good day
For a walk outside
I'd like to say we did it for the better of
You don't form in the wet sand
You don't form at all
You don't form in the wet sand
I do Yeah
You don't form in the wet sand
You don't form at all
You don't form in the wet sand
I do | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Desecration Smile--RHCP | | Time: | 03:04 pm |
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| It seems like it's been a while since I updated. I've been going through some things in my head but I think I've come to some resolution, which feels so much better than I felt the other night. I was so tense... I was laying down on the couch, pondering things yet feeling so tense, like it was so concentrated in my muscles. I guess I thought if I fell asleep it'd be better but eventually I broke down & did the right thing, which was some yoga. And a small glass of wine helped too, as well as talking to my sister. For a 15-year old, she has a mature grasp of things, yet she's still a teenager. But at least there's something there.
Anyway, today is a little warm! It's like 80 but a bit humid. It seems like the heat is so much easier for me to take now. I wonder if it has anything to do with being healthier or weighing less, IDK. I baked a cake for Jordan earlier; I am now the official cake-baker of the family since I made one for my stepmom on Mother's Day. Sure, it was good, but it's not like I made it from scratch. Which I could and would do, if I had more money. So Jordan asked me to bake him a cake for his b-day, so I was flattered. He is now 17. Wow. I actually have to get in the shower since I'm meeting some people from work at El Caminos for their infamously strong margaritas, but tonight I will be much more self-aware. Especially since I have to drive, & want to hold out for later cuz we'll probably go out to a bar/club.
My team plays tonight! And my reunion is 2 weeks away, whoa. Hope everyone has a good & safe holiday weekend! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| This is kind of random. I found this community for octopi lovers/artwork ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) octopi_party,& got inspired to write about this.
Now I used to have this fear of octopi as a child. I don't even know why, it's not like I was attacked by one or really ever had any personal experience with one. I just know that everytime we went to an aquarium where there was one, my parents would try to make me look at it & I'd freak. I never got over my fear until 10th grade when we went on a field trip to the zoo. I was alone, & decided to check it out finally. And that was that.
Now I wonder, what was it about the octopus I was scared of? I know it's a unique animal, but it's not fierce-looking like a shark or something. I mean, do they even have teeth?! I've pondered getting a tattoo of one, ever since I saw that one of the Chili Peppers has one. Of course I'd design my own. I thought it would be cool because it would symbolize something to me, & that's what I want any future tattoos to be.
( Animal Symbolism ) | | comments: Leave a comment |
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karmagini's journal